Why Approaching Women Sets You Apart

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I'm better than her because I am approaching.

But I approach to see what she's like, not because I want to get with her. I have to find out what she's like first. So my mind isn't made up one way, or the other.

I approach and engage her in conversation, and if she doesn't hook relatively soon I move on. I don't think about what I could have done differently. Experience has taught me that all you can really do to engage someone is talk to them normally, and see if they will engage back.

Knowing When You've Done Enough

The hard part can be knowing when you've done enough. The temptation is, if you talk to a bunch of girls and they don't respond well, you need to "up" your game. IOW it's your fault, so you need to ratchet up your efforts. That's a trap, and it's easy to fall into because there are so many socially repressed women. So it's easy to feel that the weight of evidence is stacked against you. But in reality, that's not the case.

Take me for example. I know from experience that I live in an antisocial area and I'm one of the select few that are approaching. This is a direct observation, and not a figment of my imagination. So from that perspective, the problem isn't mine. Furthermore, when I talk to girls, I talk to them the same way I would as if I met them through friends, or in other equally intimate settings. But in these settings they are generally much more receptive. But when I'm a stranger in public they are not nearly as friendly, in general. So when I consider both these factors I know it's not my fault. It's the fault of the women who are biased against meeting a stranger in public. It's the fault of the women who behave like herds of sheep when out in public.

The Therapeutic Value Of Socializing

But nonetheless, approaching can be therapeutic. Just socializing in general can be therapeutic, even with antisocial types. This is because you're not letting yourself stagnate. You are not letting yourself get trapped inside your head. And as an added plus, you are the better person because you are more social. And as long as you're just having fun, it doesn't matter much if they don't engage you back. Breaking the ice with women becomes a personal achievement rather than a means to an end. I'm driving my convertible with the top down and even if no chick gets in with me, so what. I'm still driving my convertible with the top down.

Clearly, my views are very different from those in the seduction community, which usually lays blame at the feet of men. I disagree that it's usually men's fault, simply because there exists no equivalent community for women. So it makes no sense for men to carry the burden of getting it right, when women aren't trying nearly as hard.

Rejecting The Blame Game

According to the seduction community, if the girl doesn't respond well it's my fault. Um no. Maybe at one time I had a role to play in that, but at this stage I have accumulated enough acumen, so the problem is not mine. It's usually theirs. It's not arrogance. It's a fact. But who knows, maybe there is a way to get her, but usually that involves identity level personality (or appearance) changes, the kind the seduction community encourages. But that totally takes the fun away from approaching and socializing. If I have to neg, then I'm no longer socializing, I'm scheming, and that sucks the life out of the situation (and me). I simply cannot do it, and I have tried. But I cannot. I can only talk like I normally do and see if she is worth it for me. When connecting with women through conversation, authenticity matters far more than rehearsed tactics. However, in some cases it may be that she secretly likes me but is too timid to show it. So what. She played her hand badly and I moved on. As far as I'm concerned I'm a walking lottery ticket and any girl who doesn't snatch it up with enthusiasm, it's her loss.

Screening For Real Compatibility

Like I said, I will approach, but not with the mindset of getting girls, but to have fun and screen. I approach with the mindset of enjoying myself and also seeing what she's like. I might structure my initial approach to be as smooth and natural as possible, but that's just a normal social calibration, the same way you wouldn't jump on a customer to make a sale. And once the conversation begins I am monitoring her reactions to see if she digs me, and at all times I am weighing that against my own efforts, and if I see that I am not getting a good response relatively soon I move on.

And if she is digging me I then do another check. I check to see if she wants the same kind of relationship as me. And if she matches that criteria, I'll go for the close. Winning dates and influence women requires you to take responsibility for approaching rather than leaving it to chance or hoping she makes the first move.

But she has to warm up to me first, which essentially means she's attracted to me and isn't hiding it. Nothing happens without that.

Now, there are things you can do to help her warm up to you a bit better, from the beginning, but that comes from the social pre-calibration, to avoid setting off stalker alarms or whatever; like getting her to notice you first, or maybe by way of her seeing me hanging out with buddies and being popular. BUT if at the point I am chatting with her she does not engage me back, I move on. She had her chance, and the more work I have to put in the less I get out. Less is always more where women are concerned. The more effort you put into getting with her the less you get out, so the ROI drops off really fast if she doesn't open up real soon. This is because, when a woman is difficult it's because she has issues, or she doesn't like you. This is unlike a legitimate challenge where you have an honest payoff after you put in the effort. So difficulty with a woman is never a sign of something good.

Début de l'événement 08.12.2023

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]]> Mon, 08 Dec 2025 10:01:56 +0100 Is Dating Harder if You’re Smarter?

Is Dating Harder if You’re Smarter?

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You can solve complex calculus equations, expound on the relevance of the Battle of Thermopylae, and diagnose enigmatic blood disorders (without the help of WebMD).

You’ve more than earned your smarty pants.

Just one problem—you have a hard time slipping out of those smarty pants and into the arms of an inamorata. (That’s smarty pants talk for lovah.)

Why is it that men and women who are the most educated, most accomplished, and most intelligent seem to have the hardest time dating?
As one of my brightest friends, a Ph.D. candidate at Cornell University, recently lamented, “I guess I just want the best and have a hard time overlooking the things about people that annoy me! It is really starting to settle in, however, that I am likely going to be single during my time at Cornell.”

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According to Dr. Alex Benzer, author of The Tao of Dating books, brainy folks may be too smart for their own good when it comes to matters of the heart.

In an article for The Huffington Post, Benzer posits that, “the smarter you are, the more clueless you will be, and the more problems you’re going to have in your dating life.”

So why do intellectual whiz-kids fare worst romantically?
First, Benzer says, smart people often grow up in families focused on academic achievement rather than relationship building: “Time spent studying, doing homework, and practicing the violin is time not spent doing other things like chasing boys or girls, which turns out is fairly instrumental in making you a well-rounded human.”

This describes my family—and lack of early dating life—precisely. But I’m glad my parents prized intelligence over dating triumphs. It saved me a lot of wasted time wooing teen geeks. And made me an interesting person worthy of wooing adult geeks.

As Tina Fey said in a May 2008 interview with Marie Claire, “You know what? Let the boys practice on other girls. Let them treat other girls like crud, let them learn how to French kiss for, like, ten years, let them give some other girl a bunch of crappy Valentine’s Day gifts, and then you just move in when they’re fully formed.”

But Benzer says fully formed brainiacs can have a tougher time with romance than young smarties. He says as adults, smart people often limit themselves to dating other high IQ individuals, thus eliminating 95 percent of the dating pool.

But wait—isn’t it true that smart men will date dumb women, as long as they’re hot?

“They won’t tolerate it after about seven minutes,” says one Ivy League grad I spoke to. After a brief pause, he added, “Okay, they’ll tolerate it long enough to have sex, but then they get bored.”

“My really smart female friends, in general, are less willing to tolerate stupidity in the name of sex,” he says.

Sounds numbingly familiar. So what are we clever lonely-hearts to do?
Well, there’s always Mensa. That’s right, in order get to the bottom of this dating dichotomy, I called in the big brains.

I asked Elissa Rudolph, a thirty-year Mensa member from Delray Beach, Florida, and Michelle (who preferred we not use her last name), a thirty-two-year-old single Mensan from Atlanta, to share their wise-girl dating experiences with Betty.

Betty: Do you date intelligent men exclusively?
Elissa: “I joined Mensa because I wanted to meet interesting men, and I even married a couple,” says Elissa, whose two ex-husbands are both Mensa members. “But what draws people to one another isn’t their IQ, it’s some sort of chemical reaction.”

Elissa’s now dating a man who’s not a Mensan, although she says he probably could qualify. “What I was looking for was a warm, nurturing man who was also manly. I’ve found one and I’m hanging on to him!”

Michelle: “I wouldn’t say I would limit myself to only the top five percent of the population, but I definitely need to be with someone who is intelligent and who can challenge me and have a good discussion. I don’t think, however, that it necessarily limits the dating pool.”

“We meet people most frequently by doing things that interest us. Someone who is very into sports may prefer someone else who’s extremely athletic and also into sports,” she says. “Similarly, someone who is extremely smart … gravitates towards other smart people.”

Betty: Do you think being a smart woman has hindered your dating life?
Elissa: “There’s a little bit of a bias in men against smart women, still, even after all these years. But really, it’s just one more challenge.”

Michelle: “No. I think that when it comes to dating, attitude and personality play a role more than IQ.”

Betty: So is intelligence just a convenient scapegoat for being single?
Michelle: “I think it’s … human nature to want to figure out why you’re not successful at something that others appear to be successful at,” she says. “You look for answers as to why you’re not in a serious relationship when the rest of the world looks like they’re happily ever after. So we tell ourselves something like, ‘It must be because I’m smart.’”

Betty: Is it ever awkward revealing to a man you’re in Mensa?
Elissa: “One guy in particular, as I was explaining [about Mensa], his eyes just kind of glazed over. I knew I’d lost it, I knew I would never see him again. But I can’t lie about it. I wasn’t saying, ‘I’m so smart.’ I was just explaining what the organization is,” she says with a laugh. “But I knew that he wasn’t going to call back.”

When she explained her Mensa membership to her current partner, she says, “His eyes didn’t glaze over, so I knew I had a chance there!”

Michelle: “I once met a guy in a bar and we were chatting and it came out that I was in Mensa. He seemed surprised, but we kept chatting. A little later I said something that was perhaps a bit airheaded and his response was, ‘That’s right, you people don’t have a lot of common sense.’ For a variety of reasons (not just the one comment), we didn’t end up going out.”

“One guy I dated was clearly shocked when I first told him that I was in Mensa – he physically backed up a few feet and sort of gaped at me. However, he then said it was cool and he’d never known anyone in Mensa. After that it was something that he seemed kind of proud of and would good-naturedly tease me about from time to time.”

Betty: So how do smart women get ahead in the dating world?
Elissa: “You really have to know yourself before you can get to know somebody else. Having an IQ doesn’t necessarily mean you know yourself any better than a person with an average IQ,” she says, reiterating Benzer’s advice to “loosen up.”

Michelle: “Being intelligent can help dating … you have interesting stories and opinions to share that may help you land a date. But there may be side effects of being intelligent that can hinder dating. The trick is to understand how your personality and other characteristics both help and hinder you socially.

What do you think? Is dating harder for smarter people? Has being smart woman hurt your dating life?

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